Blogging is Dead – But Maybe Not For Me

When Andrew Sullivan announced he was going to quit blogging, it sparked a spate of articles (like this one) declaring the death of blogs—at least the old school kind. Though I never actually read Sullivan, what these articles say is something I have been feeling for a long time. Maybe close to two years now? Certainly by the time Bigger Picture Blogs, of which I was a contributor, decided to disband.

When I started blogging in 2008, I almost immediately found a wide community of fellow bloggers with whom I loved to interact. We would spend hours reading each other’s personal thoughts, commenting and conversing, and sharing our photos and our lives in a deeper way than we often did with people in our real lives. Of that original community, I can only think of small handful of bloggers who ever still blog, and even they join in only sporadically now.

Of course, blogs that have a team of contributors writing short, informative articles, especially lists (“The 10 Things You Need” or “The 5 Reasons Why”), and producing several articles daily, are still alive and well. However, I think of them more like webzines than blogs.

Meanwhile the blogs driven by a single writer producing personal essays are dying on the vine. I’ve tried to speculate on why things have changed. Perhaps the mommy bloggers who once had little babies now have big kids, and as the moms have grown in confidence, mommying is easier, and there’s less need for that communal support. Perhaps it’s because people have switched from going online on their computers to going on their phones, and commenting and deep engagement is just much more taxing from a phone. Perhaps our attention spans are shorter. Perhaps as the internet has grown, there is just too much interesting content vying for our attention.

I have thought long and hard about what this means for my own blog. It takes a significant amount of time to put together a decent post with photos, and as I’ve had to scrape together that time in the wee hours of the morning, the number of “decent posts” I can cobble together has waned. And if the community I’m talking to is disappearing, when does the effort expended exceed the returns?

But here’s the thing: I just can’t quit blogging. I would miss it too much. I fail at personal journals and don’t have the discipline for scrapbooks. For me, blogging is still the perfect medium for working through my thoughts and creating a history that I can look back on to remember a lot of the big and small moments in our lives. It’s a slice of creativity when I can’t fit it in otherwise, and a healthy habit for keeping creativity vibrant even when I can be creative in other ways.

And it’s a great way to keep the friends and grandmas in the loop about how Cy is doing.

So I’m not going to quit blogging. But I think I do need to change how I approach it. One of the rules of blogging (if you want to have a thriving blog) is to blog often and consistently. I’m going to break that rule and instead of posting because I’m supposed to, I’ll post when I have something I really want to share. I’m also going to nix the comments section on my blog because almost everyone who comes to read it regularly comes from Facebook and comments there anyway, and this way I don’t have to moderate spam (which is a serious time suck and the thing I like the least about blogging). In the meantime, I’ll be spending more time posting on Instagram and doing microposts on my Facebook page. Hopefully this means I’ll get to focus on engaging with the lovely, thoughtful and encouraging comments from my friends, which I can do from my phone when Cy is napping, and not have to waste any more time excommunicating links to jewelry sites in Russia. However, this also means I’m stepping down as a contributor at Communal Global, which makes me quite sad, though I still plan to visit from time to time.

I’m not sure what the outcome of these changes will look like. I do hope some of these changes will help revitalize what blogging once was about: sharing the things I’m itching to say and deep (if not wide) community. For those of you who have been with me over the years, thank you for sharing this space with me, for sharing your thoughts and reactions, and for all your encouragement as I’ve tried to grow as a writer and artist. I hope you will stay with me as I try out these new changes, but if not, I still want to say how much I appreciate you coming along with me as far as you did.

Until some other medium comes along, you can still find me here, at Tasting Grace.

Island Escape: Koh Chang

* I tried to post this last week, but the internet here is beyond slow and I couldn’t upload any of the pictures. I had to find a bar to get the pictures to upload–which I suppose isn’t such a travesty! (wink, wink)

It’s that time of year again: when the mountains of Chiang Mai can no longer be seen, when everyone starts coughing and the eyes start burning, and when we are finally motivated to get out of town. It’s smoky season. The local farmers start burning the brush because it helps cultivate the soil for mushrooms to pop up that they can then go collect and sell. It’s an important part of their yearly income, but it means bad health for everyone in the region.

Because we now have a baby’s health to consider, when the air starts getting bad, we make the effort to get out of town and go somewhere safer. This is our second year that we’ve taken the opportunity to get down to the islands.

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It’s funny that it takes the prospect of sore lungs to get us to head down south. Every year we wonder why we don’t do this sooner.

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In the meantime, if you need us, we’ll be busy being beach bums!

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The internet is kind of crap down here, so if you want to follow along, join me on Instagram!

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A Trip to a Favorite Temple: Wat Pa Laad

IMG_0583There’s a famous temple on a hilltop here in Chiang Mai called Doi Suthep. It’s where all the tourists go, climbing innumberable steps to the summit to look down on the city below, bypassing peddlers and tourist traps, scammers, and stray dogs all along the way. It’s a temple, and about as commercial as it gets.

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What most people don’t know is that just a few kilometers below Doi Suthep is another temple: Wat Palad. It’s as serene and tranquil as you’d expect of a serious meditation retreat.

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You can hike up to it, and encounter the beautiful waterfall at the summit, or you can drive straight to it (as we like to do because we are lazy).

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Almost no one but monks is ever there, so you’re free to traipse over the ancient grounds and explore the hidden treasures without anyone accosting you and asking for money.

A well for drawing water

A well for drawing water

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Cy traipsing after his grand aunt, Yai Nee

Cy traipsing after his grand aunt, Yai Nee

It’s worth a visit if you’re ever in the area!

Little by Little



Gratitude

Feeling thankful for great dads. A present father is such a gift.

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A little thing. But such a big, big thing too. This weekend I encountered the difference between a child loved and a child who had grown up unloved, and it was like seeing a treasure and a treasure destroyed. It made me more aware than ever the intense need children have for love, respect, and acknowledgment–and more determined than ever that when my little one acts out, I should respond with compassion. True for big people too, though they’re often better at hiding it.

Things I Love About Cy:

The other day, he asked me what a kiss was. I had kissed him on his hand, so he pointed to his hand and said, “Da?” “Hand,” I said. “Da?” “Hand,” I repeated. When he kept asking, I realized he wanted to know what I had done to his hand. So I said, “Kiss.” “Ahhh,” he said.

Cy doesn’t pronounce final consonants on words. So when it came to saying the word “egg,” he squints his eyes, grits his teeth, and yells, “E!”

Little by Little



Suddenly Mom

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When I make a connection with an individual student at SOLD and know we have a shared hobby or that I can expose them to more wide and varied experiences related to their interests, I like to try to invite them to spend a weekend with us in Chiang Mai, where I can encourage their passion and give them a glimpse into the wider world out there. There is one such boy I’ve known since he was about 13, who has always had the biggest heart, loves to eat and loves to make people laugh, but who has also had a very hard family life. He seemed to be falling by the way side over the past year, so I extended an invite to him to come visit us for a weekend and we would go do fun things together.

I didn’t hear anything for a while. Then I got an email on Wednesday night, followed by a phone call Thursday morning saying that yes, he wants to come, he’ll be here on Friday, and by the way, his family says I can keep him; they don’t want him to come back.

I literally started crying for him when I got off the phone. Of course he could come stay with us – but for how long? I wondered. My mama heart wanted to wrap him up and take him in immediately, but my brain that has seen the trials and burdens placed on at-risk kids knew this was no simple question. To really help him, we have to be all in. Otherwise, we’re just another source of instability and confusion in his life. Was I about to adopt a (now) 16-year-old boy with attachment issues, a smoking habit, and spotty school attendance record on little more than a days’ notice? Who also was raised in a different culture and speaks a different language? It was unlikely it would come to something so permanent, but I had to be prepared for the possibility that there would be at least an extended stay.

There were ups and downs, and there came a point at which, after taking him grocery shopping to make sure we had on hand whatever snacks, drinks, and breakfast items he preferred, and he immediately went upstairs and closed himself in his room while I boosted Cy on my hip and put the groceries away, where I really, really felt like a mom. More than anything I’ve ever encountered before, having a toddler on my hip and a moody teenager upstairs while I sorted groceries, made me suddenly feel like I have definitely become a capital M Mom.

There was a lot of uncertainty over the weekend, but mostly I just wanted to give him a respite from whatever was happening at home. At the end of the weekend, he decided to go back home with an invitation to return if he ever chooses to. I don’t know what the future holds for him, but I told him I thought he was brave for even coming to us in the first place. It’s a huge step to try to make a change in your life, when you have no idea where you’re headed or what the future will bring. He retreated from it in the end, but he did try.

Because Baby Goats

One of the perks of being able to be home with Cy is that when he has those not-so-good days, I can try to pop out with him into the city and go do something special. Yesterday, he hadn’t been sleeping well and he had been fighting frustrations with not being able to talk–which, frankly, living in a foreign country and not always being able to say what you want to say, is something I completely understand. Come evening time, I really thought it would be better to get out of the house and go on an adventure.

So we took him to the Night Safari and fed the animals.

We fed the deer.

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And the giraffes.

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And the goats! Because baby goats make everyone happy.

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Cy is always unafraid to get right up there with the animals. Feeding them turned around his mood like nothing else. The air was crisp and cool in the evening after a hot day, and there was plenty of space to run around and burn off excess energy. And there was ice cream.

All in all, I’d call it a successful excursion. (And excluding food cost us all of $5.)

Things I Love About Cy

I realized I haven’t been adding this onto the bottom of my momma chat posts lately, so I hope you’ll indulge me in sharing a few extra.

- Every time we go out, he knows I need to wear shoes, so he runs to get mine and bring them to me to put on.

- His new favorite word is “Ew!,” which he says every time we change a poopy diaper, his feet get muddy, he touches something gross, or sees a dirty street dog.

- His new favorite letter is D. Toby found an app that teaches toddlers the alphabet and when they got to the letter D, Cy exclaimed, “D!” We were so excited – until he got to the next letter and said, “D!” And the letter after that, and the letter after that. Well, he’s got one letter down anyway.

- He’s meticulous and fastidious. If a little bit of water spills on my lap, he’ll try to wipe it away.

- He’s learned to say owl and he says it was such exuberance. “OW-wull!”

That’s it for this week! Join us at Communal Global and Little Things Thursday!

Little by Little



The Hunt for a Nanny Part IV: the Liaison

_1080069If you’ve been following our saga in finding a nanny (catch up on Part I, Part 2, and Part 3 here), I first want to thank everyone for their support and commiseration with the whole process, and for validating my instincts. It’s definitely nice to know I’m not alone in this, or crazy for having maybe high or specific expectations.

Anyway, thankfully, I really haven’t been alone in this process — I’ve found an amazing and important advocate in the agency who put us in touch with our nanny in the first place. The owner and founder, Kristi, came for a house visit yesterday and I shared my concerns with her. Not only was she sympathetic and understanding, she was also incredibly practical. She brought a Thai assistant with her, and together, they had a private conversation with our nanny to give her a chance to share her own concerns and perspective and to provide a safe place where they could more clearly outline what I’m looking for and hoping for.

I can’t even begin to tell you what an immediate and effective difference it made. After Kristi left, I took Pii On and Cy out for a long walk, in which I could spend time showing her more of Cy’s interests, explain his efforts to communicate, and let her get used to our dynamic. By the end of an hour, he was able to play with her for extended periods. I got things done that have been sitting on my to-do list, eating away at my nerves for weeks. He began to look for her. He was happy. He had a fantastic day, and so did we.

There are still a couple of small wrinkles to iron out, like maybe she could nip it with the unsolicited parenting advice, and she’s so raring to go with him she gets a little pushy, and I’m hoping she’ll learn to trust me that things will go much better with Cy if I fill him up with food and mama time first before going to play. But these are comparatively such tiny things, and definitely fixable, and the huge difference in just one day is plenty of hope to go on to give these other things a pass and have faith that it will all turn into one well-oiled machine soon enough. And major kudos to Pii On for being so flexible and willing to hear critique and act on it.

It seems like such a little thing: a little fracture in communication and understanding, but it could have easily and quickly destroyed the relationship, and the simple addition of a friendly liaison to act as an advocate for the relationship, to make sure both sides are happy and well-understood. But such a huge impact. It makes me think, especially when there’s a big class, language, or cultural divide, or even the simple divide created by trying to be polite, there are so many relationships that can be cut off too quickly, or jobs too quickly lost, despite best intentions on both sides. Having an agent bridge the gap is so incredibly valuable, and I’m so thankful for ours.

If you’re ever in Chiang Mai and are in need of a housekeeper or nanny, let me know and I’ll put you in touch with Kristi, from Bliss.

Little by Little

The Hunt for a Nanny Part 3: Pii On

couchCyBack in November, I contacted an agency that helps place maebaans (a term used for housekeepers and nannies), requesting someone who could help out with Cy for a few hours a day. After two months without any luck finding anyone (it turns out maebaans only want full-time work and they don’t want to drive more than 10 minutes to get there), I agreed to having someone come full time, with the idea being that she would also take care of the house.

Enter Pii On. She sounded great on paper (speaks English, has her own transportation, 7 years experience working with a foundation for kids), and she seemed bright and happy during the interview.

The agency provides a 2-day training session for the maebaans, after which there would be a 30-day trial period. Since we needed help immediately, we agreed to have her come help us finish unpacking, clean, and shadow me with Cy for 2 weeks until the next available training session, after which the trial period would officially begin.

We’ve just had the first 2 weeks with her and the first week went amazing. She did to this house in just a few days what would have taken me months to accomplish. She didn’t wait for direction; she just saw what needed to be done and did it. She goes above and beyond duty: she shows up early and leaves late, and though we provide her lunch every day, she never eats it until we’ve eaten first, even when sometimes I don’t get a chance to eat until closer to 2 or 3 pm. I couldn’t thank her enough for the load she lifted off my shoulders. I was really able to focus on being with Cy, without being torn in a million directions with other responsibilities.

The second week went okay…but a few odd things started to crop up. I noticed that though she said she speaks English I actually haven’t heard this happen, which is okay, but will complicate Cy being able to understand her. Her listening skills aren’t that great, which I think is because she sometimes has an idea in her head about what she thinks you’re saying instead of hearing what you’re actually saying. Occasionally she makes some comments that are vaguely offensive, but given my non-perfect Thai, I can’t really tell if she means to insult or if she’s kind of just tactless. And though she’s generally super conscientious, there are times like when I needed to stop by the grocery store after taking her and Cy to play at a playground, and she decided, without asking, to make a stop at the bank, which was okay except that her errand didn’t go well and ended up taking a really long time and involved going to a different bank–at which point, if I personally was in that situation, on my boss’s time, I would have either asked permission first or given up and gone on my own time–and ended up leaving me standing in the hot sun with a tired and cranky Cy, wondering what the heck was going on.

And I’ve been trying to give her time to play with Cy so they can get used to each other so that she can take him for a couple of hours a day, but things just haven’t been going smoothly. I kind of feel like she isn’t super interested in hanging out with Cy. She does play with him a bit, but she seems more interested in doling out unsolicited parenting advice to me than in finding out who Cy is as a person. And this past week, it has felt to me like she kind of hides upstairs, taking care of the most minute details, down to ironing our underwear, instead of hanging out with Cy and me.

BUT it could be that I’m not as inviting as I should be and that my reservedness is subtly sabotaging her ability to connect with him and me. It’s just, she’s got a bit of a salty personality that I find it not so easy to get along with. I think the little oddities have gotten my guard up, and I’m a bit turned off by the way she talks sometimes. The thing is, in Thai, when you speak in a low class way, it comes across as offensive–much more so than in English–but is that her fault, if that’s maybe the way she was raised or the only way she knows how to speak?

This wouldn’t be such an issue if she was just an employee because in many ways she’s a great worker. But as a maebaan, she is going to be more than that. She is being invited into many of the most private parts of our lives. Our whole house & home are open to her, as is Cy, and if I bring her with me when I go on trips to Chiang Rai for SOLD, then I’m going to be spending a LOT of time with her. More than an employee, she would be part of the family. And I wonder, if I don’t fully like her, will I ever fully trust her? It’s a question separate from how trustworthy she actually is; it’s about my capacities and limitations as a person too.

I’m trying to be self-aware about this, and in this 30-day trial period, I’m going to try my hardest to lower my guard and invite her in as much as possible and see what she does with it. Maybe this is just one more of those opportunities for me to grow and learn. We’ll see how it goes.

**If you missed them, you can read The Hunt for a Nanny Part I here and Part 2 here.



Our New House

_1080008Welcome to our new home! It’s been a project for sure. Our old home was fully furnished and this one wasn’t, so part of what has taken so long has been us trying to buy all our furniture. I was going to wait until we had more details sorted before putting up pictures, but I realize it might take a long long while before that really happens. So I’ll show you what we’ve got so far, and we can maybe just imagine the parts that are missing. Here’s our living room. We’ll pretend we have a rug and some curtains. I’m thinking some lacy sheers and maybe some green curtains (olive? hunter/forest?).

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Also pretend the chalkboard is a darker shade. We’re working on that.

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The other part that has taken a while is working on the kitchen and dining room. I’m pretty sure this house was built without a kitchen, and then they just tacked a kitchen in an L-shape around the back of the house by adding a roof between the house and the perimeter wall. At first we saw what a cave the kitchen was and thought, “Well, all it needs is more windows.” But then we realized the reason there are no windows is because we would then be peeping directly into the neighbor’s property. “Hi! We’re just your friendly American neighbors invading your land and privacy! Don’t mind us! We have no history of this AT ALL.”

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BEFORE

Also it had almost no storage. So Toby built some shelves along the front entry way to create a pantry and a mudroom to hang our helmets and hats, jackets and boots.

We changed the paint, put a little mirror in the entry and hung some plants.

We also want to put in a shelf along the top edge over the counter to hang some more plants and a few other decorative items to help make the place a little more cozy. And maybe some rugs to hide that floor? But here’s what we’ve got so far.

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And a little herb garden:

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Wrapping the kitchen around the back of the house also had the effect of making the dining room a dark, dark pit.

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BEFORE

After first we thought about ways to try to brighten the room up as much as possible. But then we realized that a bright dining room is just never going to happen. So we decided to work with the space rather than fight it.

Instead of bright, we painted the walls dark blue (a color I’ve always wanted in my house since I saw it on the friend’s kitchen walls in the movie Sliding Doors). We found an antique cabinet to house my wedding dishes, and hung a mirror on one of walls. I’m thinking of adding a nice rug under the table, maybe throw a sheepskin on one of the chairs, and turn the walls into a gallery for pictures, and hang a chandelier to create a kind of funky, cozy art gallery kind of feel? We’re working on it.

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And, if I haven’t bored you all to tears just yet, I’ll share bits of our yard I’m working on adding plants to. One day we’ll do something to add a patio.

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_1080049Anyway, that’s what we’ve got! Don’t even ask about the upstairs…we’ve only just now put our clothes away…aside from the things that we don’t yet have a place to put them away in.

Little by Little



The Hunt for a Nanny Part 2: Daycare

So I was going to do a post about the details of our new house to satisfy the people who have been clamoring for more pictures…but our house just isn’t ready yet. Almost. A few more details to settle, and then I won’t be as embarrassed to show you what we’ve cobbled together in the past month.

Imagine we've hung the wood mandalas and that the chalkboard is painted a darker shade...

Imagine we’ve hung the wood mandalas and that the chalkboard is painted a darker shade…

So I’ll continue with the story about trying to find some help around this place so I can finish moving in, so I can not have to get up in the middle of the dang night to write these blog posts, so I can have just a little bit more breathing room to relieve the pressure. Maybe you’re wondering what’s so hard with just one child? Maybe I’m just not that talented at juggling life, home, and childcare and being present through it all.

Anyway, so I’ve been trying to find help so I could get 1-3 hours a day to take care of things. When we moved to our new neighborhood, I was excited to see there was a daycare right in the moobaan. I thought: hey, that’s perfect! I can drop Cy off for a few hours, he gets to hang out and play with other kids, it would be great for him to have friends and playmates, and I can still spend the rest of the day with him.

(And I don’t have to worry about a nanny stealing my baby. Just kidding, I’m not that paranoid. Mostly.)

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I went to visit the daycare on a Saturday, and it looked really sweet, with tons of things to play with, nice, clean activity areas, and the lady running it was quite friendly. She invited us to try it out for a week, so I agreed to bring Cy on Monday morning at the time it worked best for our schedule.

We were there for an hour and a half, and in that time, the kids had a meal, two bath times, nap time, and one activity that consisted of lining all the kids up to stand still for 20 minutes (these were 2-4 year olds, mind you) while the teacher played a tape recording of songs, including the national anthem and the King’s song.

::ahem:: The kids were fidgety to say the least. One poor child was so desperate he walked around banging his head on things to relieve the boredom. The teacher never yelled at him, but it was clear he couldn’t keep in line with the rest of the toddlers.

Not once in that entire hour and a half I was there did the kids touch a toy, engage in an activity that required movement, or involve any kind of enrichment. I’m sure those activities exist there…they just didn’t happen in the window I planned for Cy.

I was prepared for some drawbacks to daycare: some crying, some lack of one-on-one attention, etc. I was hoping daycare would be like what I remembered of mine: hazy sensory memories of toys, colorful posters, and drawing with crayons. Maybe I’m too American, but this one seemed a little too…institutional…for me.

Back to the drawing board.



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