My sister came in the back door, girls wet from the pool in tow. “Here. Kaelyn’s shoes,” she said to my brother.
He pulled open the refrigerator door. “Little girls gin yang?” he said. Did the little girls eat yet? “No? Okay, I make you something.” And he pulled out some food to make for my two nieces, Kaelyn (age 6) and Jacqueline (age 5).
Kaelyn is my brother’s daughter, Jacqueline, my sister’s. They are cousins but are raised more like sisters. It was such a simple little moment, but it stood out to me as a moment to remember and carry with me, for it spoke volumes for how my family operates. It was so seamless, so unselfconscious, how my sister took care of keeping track of the girls’ things and how my brother made food for them. The shared love and the shared responsibility. It’s not: this is my kid and that’s your kid and I’ll take care of my kid’s food and you take of your kid’s shoes. It is: these are our kids. Not just on special occasions like the 4th of July, but every day.
I suddenly realized there’s a very subtle but powerful hierarchy for raising children in the family (my German in-law calls it a “clan”, in a way that I think might be equal parts sarcastic, impressed, and curious). All the adults have a role to play with raising the children, and all adults are respected equally. Everyone remains aware of where the kids are and what they need (whether it’s food, kisses, or a gentle warning) and addresses them as simply as breathing. For special treats, like spending the night at a cousin’s house, the parent always must be asked for permission and is the final authority. My mom, the grandmother, is the one all the grandkids go to for a both sympathetic and wise ear. She is the person to talk to when you don’t understand or don’t know what to do. When you need friend and counsel. Or just a really good bowl of noodle soup. Grandpa is the one you really don’t want to mess with. But it’s okay because if you tickle him just right, he turns teddy bear. As a kid, if you do good, there’s a whole caboodle of people to puff up your ego. If you mess up, someone will tell you straight up that what you did wasn’t cool. But there is always someone else you can run to who will understand and tell you it’s okay, we still love you. (If everyone tells you you messed up, then you really know!) There is always both discipline and forgiveness to be found. And there is always someone to offer food and love and something fun to do.
Even when part of the family is broken…a divorce…and the part that left tries to spread bad thoughts and feelings about our family to the child stuck in-between (and can I just tell you how much that makes my blood boil?)…the family rallies together. It does everything it can to heal the wound, to teach love for both mommy and daddy, no matter what. It does not try to spread the foul back. Every one of us just tries to show by doing what our family really is about. The child may be confused and hurt now (and we are all forever sorry for that). But one day the child will be a teenager. And one day she will see for herself what is truth and she can decide what is right for her. The love is tight, but each individual is free: free to be themselves, free to discover for themselves.
And every time I go home, I am overwhelmed by the desire to be more of a part of the lives of my nieces and nephews. To them, I am always gone away, to some mythical place called Santa Barbara. I come in and out of their lives to play for a day and then I am gone again. I want to be more constant than that.
But there lies the rub. Where my family lives. The actual city, the county? I can’t stand. I don’t like the atmosphere, I don’t like the society, the way people behave there. It’s fake most of the time and mean underneath, mostly because people there are just plain more afraid. My mom says she fled from Bangkok because it suffocated her. Where my family lives suffocates me. On top of that my husband hates the area too and refuses to ever live there. We can visit as much as we want, for we do love the family. But living there? His answer is “hell no”. Up until now, I’ve agreed. Wholeheartedly. Bring kids into the picture? Now I’m not so sure.
My mom keeps saying when I’m ready to have kids we really need to move to the same home town, to raise the kids with family. At first I thought she meant help with babysitting and taking care of the kids that way, which I’m sure after a.m. feedings, and crying, and diaper changing, and never-clean house and oh-my-god-can-I-just-get-a-break, there will be moments I’d really love/need that. But now I see there’s more. There is so much more. Of course it is totally possible to raise absolutely wonderful children without all that and millions of families do it all the time. But I do see its worth. And growing up away from that, our kids won’t have the same closeness to their cousins that their cousins share. They’ll miss the everyday camaraderie. They’ll always be just a little bit outside. Loved, for sure, but a little bit outside. I know because I am.
Thankfully I don’t have to make this decision yet. This decision is at least a year or two away. But it’s on the horizon and on my radar. I feel it weighing on me. And my hubby and I will have some figuring out to do.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. How does your family operate? What decisions have you had to, or will you have to make?
Although I don’t have children yet, this is the reason why I am making my wandering feet stay. I really missed growing up with my cousins and grandparents near. I want my children to have that.
Yes, totally. And I think, one, I would love my children to grow up with family. But also, I don’t want to rob them of that choice. For me, I always could choose how far or near to stay. I’m a little bit outside, but I’m still close and have immense personal freedom, so I’m happy. But if they grow up without it, they won’t really know or understand what they’ve missed out on, so it either might not be a true choice or they might have regrets for it.
This is why I still live in my hometown. I can’t imagine not seeing my nieces and nephew and goddaughters and and all the other little one grow and change and become who they are. I like being the aunt who bakes them cookies and takes them to the chocolate shop and the cupcake “makery” and gives them goofy little gifts and all that. I love when the little ones come running to give hugs and kisses. I love that I can go to dance recitals and sports events and take them to the movies. I can’t imagine moving away from that. And if I were to ever have kids of my own, I would so want them to know their whole, entire family, and have that help (and wisdom, really) in raising the kid.
But… I do love the location, too. And, thankfully, so does Hubby.
Maybe it’s a matter of how close you can get without actually living there. My best friend and her kids (my goddaughters) are 30 minutes away, but we all make it work. Maybe look at the surrounding areas and see what’s there?
Where my family lives, there’s little reprieve from the outlandish materialism and superficiality. Even among my “friends” in high school, I was subjected to not-so-subtle classism for taking the bus or my dad’s Infiniti to school instead of having my own BMW, and even subtle racism for having an Asian mother and white father. Totally ridiculous, and even more ridiculous in retrospect. We currently live in a town that is far more conducive to our political and social values…pretty much the nearest I can find to my family…but it’s still a 2.5 hour drive away, tucked away between mountains and beach so it’s its own little oasis.
On the other hand, maybe the things we love about life in Santa Barbara will be less important once we’re actually faced with the prospect of having kids and the choice will be less stark. And maybe there is a certain logic to raising our kids there too. As a mother, I do have to face the reality that I can’t protect my kids from everything. I can’t shelter them from the rest of the world. I can only do my best to instill in them a foundation of good values. And maybe sometimes it is important for those values to be tested occasionally, even when they’re young. But having the full family support and a strong loving home environment will help them get through the tests and make them stronger earlier on when it’s a little easier to learn than later as adults. Does that make sense?
And for the nieces and nephews too, I really do want to be there to see them grow up. I want to be around and do all those things you mentioned. I love that part so much. I LOVE being an aunt. I know how different aunts and uncles were such positive influences in my own life, expanding my horizons and opening my thinking and experiences in ways my parents can’t do alone (because no one person can possibly be everything), and I would love if Toby and I did the same in return.
And I shouldn’t be too narrow-minded. There are good people there too, just like any place else. We do have friends we love there and it would be great to be nearer to them too. Maybe it’s not so much about where you live, but the world you create no matter where you are.
I’ve done it both ways. We started our family in Texas. So far away from our families. And for us, we needed that. *I* needed that. I was raised to be an independent woman. To know that we (T and I) made this decision to start a family meant that we were “strong” enough to do it on our own. I felt that I needed to prove that we were independent adults and could handle our decisions. The byproduct? We are a fairly close immediate family. The kids knew our rules were the rules to live by. Nobody else’s hand was in the middle possibly sending mixed messages. When we moved closer, but still 400 miles away, it was the best of both worlds. Family wasn’t too far away that a long weekend was out of the questions, but it wasn’t too close. Being able to have family closer allowed more bonding and more chances for interaction, but we were still autonomous. Moving back “home” was extremely difficult for me. I felt like I was admitting defeat. Now? I love that my kids have more interaction with their grandparents and cousins. I love that I have help in the day-to-day stuff of life. But it’s not all a bed of roses. There are *very* different ideas of parenting in my family, and my kids have to be reminded constantly that we have our rules and other people have different rules, but they still have to abide by *our* rules. And at times like this that I question being geographically closer. It makes my life easier and harder to parent in the way I want to. It’s easy to be a little lazier in my execution of discipline because it won’t be reinforced other places, so why bother? (I know I don’t really feel that way, but sometimes the one step forward-two steps back process is overwhelming)
It sounds like your family is a little more in sync with that. But living in a different environment than the rest of your family may have changed you in little ways that might make it more difficult to be together when the time comes to add to your family.
You won’t know for sure how life will be until you are in it…and how you feel might change and it might not. Just know that you can build and have relationships with extended family even from a distance. It’s harder and takes effort, but it is possible.
Yeah I can imagine it would be very difficult indeed if various members of the family parented in really different ways. I observed this a little more closely this weekend, and I think, even though my sister and my brother and my parents are each very different people and have different styles, the general value system is basically the same. It tends to reinforce, rather than undermine. As far as I can see. Also, when all the kids were playing together and wanted to do something like swim in the pool or whatever, the family kind of decided together what to say. The child’s parent is always the highest authority for that child and my parents were very careful to also make sure things were fair. They could anticipate if one kid wanted to do something the others would want to too, and so they decided whether it was something all should enjoy or none.
But you’re right. I think the key thing is, it’s not really a decision we CAN make until we’re in it. And we all know what good worrying does in the meantime, right?
i love your little family of community. it sounds… just right. i can’t imagine the decisions that will be coming your way, but i know, it is good to be near family
the neighborhood where we live… was once on our “never” list, but here we are, and have been for 11 years. it was the right choice for us. good luck sorting this all out and making the right decision for you!
The way you describe your family dynamic is just beautiful. What a rare and amazing thing. I totally see where your dilemma comes in. While family is huge, culture (and subculture) have a big effect on your life (and kids’ lives) too. I don’t live close to most of my sisters (I have four) but what you describe sounds wonderful.