Monday Motivational

So, you know how last week, we were going to take Dot to the kennel for a 10-day jaunt to get her more used to being around other dogs? Well, that didn’t exactly pan out. After we brought her home from the kennel that day, we noticed her cootchie was rather swollen and she seemed to be licking herself a lot. I mean, like, A LOT. At first I was like, “B1tch, can’t you do that on your own time?” But then we started finding little drops of blood around the house, and so then I was pretty sure my dog had been mutt-raped and might have picked up some crazy venereal disease (can dogs get VD?) at the kennel. By which time, I was going to first, take her to the vet, and second, give the kennel owner a stern talking to about the miscreant riffraff he kept in his quarters.

Luckily, we went to the vet first.

Turns out our dog just came into her first heat and all those drops of blood I’d been cleaning up were actually doggie period. (Ew.) The vet warned us to keep a close eye on her, and sure enough, whenever we let her out to pee, she made a beeline for the nearest male dog within a 2-mile radius. (Slut.) This is not what we had in mind when we wanted her to learn to play well with other dogs. So not only do we have to keep her cooped up in the house, I now have to take her out on a leash to go pee. Of course, she gives me the stink-eye for invading her privacy, and then when she goes for the boys and I tug on the leash, she gives me this look like, “Dude, I gotta’ go get laid.” And then I tell her no. And then she gives me another look like, “Fine, you can come too.”

I was not prepared for our little girl to grow up so fast! When I sat her down to discuss the birds & the bees, I was not convinced she was listening anymore by the time I got to the part about being safe.

I’m pretty sure she rolled her eyes at me. Stinkin’ teenagers.

(Plus she can do downward-facing dog way better than I can. And that’s just not fair.)

And if that weren’t enough, she’s been oscillating between pissy & cranky and woefully in need of attention all week. (My, doesn’t that sound familiar?) And you know how they say when girls live together their cycles coincide? (Who all’s lived in a dorm, raise your hand.) Is that supposed to happen inter-species too? ‘Cuz she wasn’t the only one PMSing last week.

So poor Toby came home from a long motorcycle ride with the boys to find his two girls sprawled together in stretch pants on the couch in front of chick flicks (including Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves), crooning to old Bryan Adams songs (don’t judge; there’s no accounting for taste when hormones are involved), and surrounded by a spate of potato chip crumbs and ice cream wrappings.

Ok, most of that might have been me. But Dot was sprawled too, gnawing on rubber. She does that.

Toby may or may not have considered hopping right back on that bike, and high-tailing it to safety. I shrugged and contemplated watching A Walk in the Clouds.

Erm…so you might be wondering what all this has to do with a Monday Motivational?

This week I intend to NOT let the hormones get the best of me. I shall tame the estrogen and yoke the feminine beast.

At least, most of the time.

Clearly, I have high aspirations.

All right, there you have it: a peek into the weirdness that is our little world at the mo’. You’re welcome. Happy Monday, folks!

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4 thoughts on “Monday Motivational

  1. Oh poor Dot! That was the funniest and cutest post! I needed that today!

    You know what Bob Barker says, spay and neuter.

  2. Lol!! When I was a kid, we had an Irish Setter who was intact. When she went into heat my mom would put an old pair of my dad's briefs on her and safety pin them to fit. Once, she opened the safety pin and swallowed it. Luckily the neighbor was a vet and came right over to take care of things. I will never deal with doggie periods, a teen human girl is hard enough…..

  3. I was tramatized for a while. I thought that Dot has been graped. I didn't know how I would feel if that was true.