For the past month or so, I’ve fallen prey to a feeling that isn’t homesickness, so much as it is fatigue. I’m tired and want to retreat, to hide away from the seemingly simple things I can’t understand and the basic, easy concepts that I just can’t explain. I’m tired of fighting to find the words, and hearing ones I don’t recognize. No matter how quickly I learn, there’s always more, and the better I get at speaking Thai, paradoxically, the more impatience I meet when there is something I don’t understand. I hate seeing that look, the one that says they’re mistaking a lack of language for a lack of general mental capacity. And I think that, maybe I did that too: that, in impatience, maybe I treated someone as though their inability to express themselves in English meant they had little inside to express at all.
Long time readers will know about the struggle I had getting my ID card here, and then our battle for T’s visa renewal, and now my American passport needs to be renewed from abroad. These all seem like basic things, but then, each time, it’s never nearly as easy as these things should be. Where once it was an adventure and a story to tell, it’s now beginning to feel like we’re under constant attack, fighting a never ending fight for the right to simply be.
In my fatigue, there are times I know I’ve stopped dancing the dance of social niceties and gone straight to honesty, because I just don’t have it in me to dance. My feet hurt, and I’m going to sit this one out simply because I can.
I feel compelled to wrap this up in a tidy bow, to find the sparkle in the ordinary glass of water, and to say something like, “it’s a journey, and maybe the soul just needs a rest,” or maybe “I think I expected to find home, and it turns out I’m still traveling,” or that I need to “buck up, sistah, because there’s lots who’ve got it worse than you.” There’s good. Lots of good, and hopefully my regular readers will know that I see the good too, and feel it in my bones. But right now, at this moment, this is my truth. I’m stripped to essentials, futilely trying to cover the exposed parts with my too-small hands.
::
…and admitting all that, it feels better already. Saying all that, I think, is exactly what I needed to do to cast off the burden making it too difficult to take the next step.
And so, the next step, I now take. And maybe I found that sparkle after all.
Have you found the bigger picture in a simple moment? Join us at Sarah’s!
I promise this is not a self-serving commentary, but I have found a respite for my soul when we have visitors. It helps to show yourself how much you do know and how far you've come. Did you feel that way with your Dad around? Anyone else?
You hit on something about others, "foreigners," we encountered in our hometowns and our ease with which we slip into impatience or chants of "but …they…took… our… jobs!!!"
I've spent the past five years sounding like an idiot most of the time (first, as I tried to speak Italian and now as I hack my way through Japanese) and it's made me hugely conscious of the fact that not being able to express yourself fully in a language doesn't reflect of the complexity of your thoughts or the depth of your intelligence. I'm not sure I understood that very well before I left my own, familiar culture.
But I understand what you mean about feeling weary. Sometimes I don't want to struggle through anymore. I just want everything to be easy. I cast about trying to find answers — why am I doing this? what am I learning? — but I don't come up with any. I think there's value in the weariness though, and even in the struggle. In taking each next step, you're learning something about what it means to be part of the world, in what it means to be human, and that's not a sugar-coated platitude; it's a glimmer of hard-earned sparkle.
I loved this post, Jade! Thanks for being so open!
I’m piggy-backing onto Emily’s comment, because I really can’t say it better than she did in her second paragraph
I’m still a baby in my expat journey, but if there’s anything I can say from where I do stand, it’s that I’m shocked at how thoroughly intense this whole thing is. It requires so much intentionality, and yes, some days I just don’t feel like it.
And a quick tangent on the subject of language barriers: Oh yes, I’ve never been looked at like I’m dumb in my life until now. The first time I sensed that reaction, I thought of an Air Force friend’s wife years back: she’s a native Korean and when I met her, she spoke very little English. Looking back on it, I am astounded at how very brave she was. She’d approach a large group of American women and just start talking. If she didn’t understand, she’d use her very limited vocabulary, hand motions, whatever it took… to clarify. She did it clear-eyed and with her chin up. Her character in those situations is one of the things I keep tucked away as inspiration.
Part of what I love when we have visitors is the simple joy of introducing them to our love of Chiang Mai. And yes, I guess that does make me feel proud in a way.
More often than not, people express their wonderment that we can speak so well, for being here for only a year. Many expats never trouble themselves to learn much, and I think Thais are kind of used to that, so finding a foreigner who does speak is more of a pleasant surprise to them. Perhaps I should take it as a compliment when they DO expect more of me, because in a way, it shows how much I really have integrated – that I don’t stand out so much as “foreign.”
I bet in contrast you find huge comfort being able to speak to your family and friends (including bloggy friends!) who understand every word and emotion you are going through.
I appreciate your honesty and I feel you have opened my eyes to be more sympathetic not only to wait for someone to get out the words they are trying to say, but to also be understanding of their feelings as they struggle to say them.
Praying for your heart as you walk through these tiring steps in your life.
Oh, you touched my soul! These parts….
In my fatigue, there are times I know I’ve stopped dancing the dance of social niceties and gone straight to honesty, because I just don’t have it in me to dance. My feet hurt, and I’m going to sit this one out simply because I can.
But right now, at this moment, this is my truth. I’m stripped to essentials, futilely trying to cover the exposed parts with my too-small hands.
…paint an achingly beautiful picture of weariness. This haunts me.
I will pray for respite and renewal for you, my adventurous friend!
Even fatigued, you are lovely. We could all drown you in platitudes, but you know that you just need to go to that quiet place, even if it's for 10 minutes. Your sparkle is still there.*hugs*
oh, i get this one. so much.
you are definitely allowed to curl up and rest a little. sometimes the view through half-closed eyelids makes a little sparkle all its own…
Good grief, could you possibly write any more beautifully while you air your exhaustion?! You're an inspiration
And yes, we know you well enough to know that you DO find joy and sparkle SO much in the life around you. And we know you well enough to appreciate the work that it sometimes takes to make the joy shine more furiously than the tiredness.
Keep on plugging away, Jade! Your efforts are worthwhile — and so is your right to complain every once in a while
HUGS, friend. Sometimes you just need to withdraw for a little bit and rest!
Oh man, I’m tired just reading about it all. Hold onto that sparkle, girl!
Sometimes shutting down and disconnecting is exactly what we need to hop back on the journey of adventure. You sparkle everyday even in those tired honest moments it’s there lurking you just need to recharge to find.
Hugs to you my friend.
I, too am piggy back riding on emily's comment because just like your post it was so riveting.
"you’re learning something about what it means to be part of the world, in what it means to be human, and that’s not a sugar-coated platitude; it’s a glimmer of hard-earned sparkle."
This is exactly what I thought as I was reading. Exactly! Except she said it first and said it with much more class.
As you know, I've dwelled a little too long in weariness. It's ok. It's ok not to feel alright all the time. I think YOU told me that not too long ago!!
xo!
Also, I got your email. I have a response. I'm the worlds worst emailer. Just to let you know. Sorry! xo…
You know, sometimes it just has to be out that that we're tired. We exhausted. Yes, there is worse to be, but you know, when you're smack dab in the middle of fatigue it's a terrible place to be. And ironically, the only thing that can bring about any sort of refreshment is the submission to rest, a deep patience with ourselves and freeing ourselves from the expectations we place on our own shoulders and the ones that are placed by others on our shoulders.
I pray that rest for you. I pray that you find a peace in the midst of fatigue. I feel you, sister. I do.
(((hugs))) I'm glad you got it "out there." And I hope you're finding the rest you need, and maybe a little bit of sparkle today.
I think it's important everyone once in awhile to simply step back and say you know what, "this is hard" and it doesn't mean I don't love it, and it doesn't mean I'm not happy it's just acknowledging that yeah, right now it's hard and it's tiring…I know this feeling well (and not just because we are sleep deprived!) since I have the blessing to be able to stay home I don't feel like I can always say gosh today sucked…because well I got to be here didn't I? But that doesn't change the fact that sometimes, sometimes it's hard and by admitting that I think we become stronger and the hard looses some of it's power.
Beautifully said. I'm glad it helped. You continue to inspire me even if it is exhausting!