Or more aptly put: a post about the fact that nothing is happening. But one, some dear friends encouraged me to share this; two, bigger picture moments aren’t always a celebration, but are rather a marking or noticing of time; and three, sometimes the things that make you want to hide under your writer’s desk are precisely the things you need to write about. So here it goes.
Warning: if you don’t like reading about “women stuff” you might want to go ahead and skip this post.
The calendar pages flip ever inexorably towards May, an innocuous month as far as months go, except for the niggling little reminder in the back of my head that in May of last year, my husband and I decided we were ready to officially go “TTC.” I was gung-ho about it at first, marking and timing, tracking and predicting every possible sign of fertility with scientific precision – I got that doctorate for something right? – until it began to dawn on me that a decade of artificial hormones would not leave my body without a trace, as I suffered the worst cramps of my life and bleeding sufficient enough to send me to the doctor convinced I was having an early miscarriage. (I’d read all about them on WebMD.) A consultation, ultrasound, and internal examination later, the doctor calmly explained to my very red face that what I was experiencing was called my period, otherwise known as menstruation.
I gave up tracking and just submitted myself to the wait for my body to regain some sense of decorum. But the months were ticking by. The more time passed, the more normal my body became, but closer we were getting to Things We’d Like to Do If I Don’t Get Pregnant. Like travel to Hong Kong in January. That trip came and went. Now it’s flying to Berlin to visit Toby’s family. This fall, it will be a trip back home to the States to visit family, go to a writer’s conference, and take part in our friends’ wedding. It’s a tricky time where, if I don’t get pregnant, we get to do awesome and important (to us) things. But that means I will still be walking around sans bebe. It leads to an awkward stage where we’re trying, but kind of not.
This trying-but-not-very-hard means I don’t know if I actually have a fertility issue, or if we’ve just managed to avoid getting me pregnant. It also means I’m left wondering if, despite all doctors’ claims that it is a nonissue, the pill was a bad choice after all and maybe I should have stuck with options that didn’t involve messing with hormonal imbalances. {Insert guilt.} I also wonder if, irony of ironies, waiting those years to get educated, financially secure, settled in marriage, and emotionally ready to be great parents meant I missed the fertility window for motherhood. {Did I mention guilt?} And I wonder if the fact that we want to take these trips to visit family we haven’t seen in nearly two years means I’m still putting selfish desires in front of a (hypothetical) baby and therefore still unready to be a mother. {Oh hai, Mme. Guilt! Come sit by me.}
Most days, I try not to think about it and what with moving to a foreign country, a healthy supply of visitors, working on my book, and doing work with SOLD, I’ve had enough on my plate to keep me distracted. But then I’ll be in the grocery store and spy a colorful little worktable and imagine myself sitting down with a large-eyed, towheaded son or daughter and a palette of paints or scrap wood dino construction kit and I feel a twinge. Or I’ll see a sakura bloom sling and imagine our little one in a sling of our own, and there that twinge is again. Or I’ll look at my husband and wonder what blend of his features and mine we would produce, and the twinge becomes more like an ache.
Most days, I manage not to be too worried, thinking we still have time, and we’ll get really serious about trying after our trip in the fall. I know there are fertility clinics too, and options. This isn’t the 1800’s where a woman having difficulty getting pregnant is labeled “barren.”
But some days that word, barren, is exactly how I feel.
“Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away.”
- Author Unknown
What moments stole your breath away this week?
Each Thursday, we come together to celebrate living life with intention by capturing a glimmer of the bigger picture through a simple moment. Have you found yourself in such a moment lately? Share it with us!
Oh, the twinge of pain I felt as I read that last line. You, my friend, are far from barren. Whether you discover you have physical fertility challenges or not barren is a word that could never be used to describe your very fertile mind, heart and soul.
We spent 3.5 yrs trying to conceive our first child. We wanted her desperately. I will never forget doing the stick test one morning and having it read positive. Shell shocked I called my husband. Our initial reaction was joy but within a minute there was such fear and uncertainty…are we ready? We have been trying forever and NOW we asked are we ready! I think the roller coaster of emotions is just part and parcel of the whole experience. (which is good training for parenting actually!)
Blessings to you. I am moved to prayer for you. Be well and peace be with you.
Oh May, thank you so much for your sweet words and prayers. It is definitely comforting to hear that for others it took time too. I've also heard one never feels wholly ready for children when faced with the prospect and at some point you just have to go for it. So yes, we'll just continue to go for it!
Thank you for your lovely words of support. They're much appreciated.
Isn't it ironic that it gets drilled into us to *not* get pregnant from an early age and we excel at it, and then when we want to it's not as easy as it would have appeared from all those warnings and precautions we took?
We thought we'd get pregnant basically the first time we'd try without contraceptives. Little did we know…. when that didn't happen after 2 months we went to the doctor's for fertility checkups. We took two "let's get pregnant" vacations, where we'd relax in a nice place on the beach and do absolutely nothing… the second one of those worked but it took over 6 months of trying, erm, pretty much relentlessly. Friends told us to just don school uniforms and do it awkwardly in a semi-public space… guaranteed hit, that
But, if all else fails the fertility clinics apparently work wonders these days – good chance you'd end up with triplets though so should be a last option. You don't want to have triplets. Joking aside friends of ours did it here in CM, worked as advertised.
LOL – You had me cracking up at the part about donning school uniforms and doing it awkwardly in semi-public places! It truly is ironic about how freaked out I used to get about the possibility of getting pregnant and all the extra precautions (I do recall a period where I used multiple methods at once, I was so worried about infinitesimal chances). Oh well.
Thanks for the reassurances. It does help to know that sometimes all it takes is a little more…concerted effort.
Oh, Jade, I love you all the more for sharing this — for your honesty, and for your heart and how you share it here.
I pray as you continue moving through this journey, you're able to release the guilt that is plaguing you so. I definitely think it can be easy when things don't go as you expect or plan, to start second-guessing all the choices (and perhaps some mistakes) that led you to that point. But you and Toby, Jade: you guys have done some incredible things thus far in your lives — things that I think have only enhanced what was already there, waiting for a sweet baby to show the world.
You're fantastic, and I hope you keep sharing as you feel works for you.
Sweet Lenae, thank you so much for your kind words and prayers! It's such a comfort to receive. I just continue to hope that all will work out in the end – perhaps with a little more concerted effort on our part! hehehe – and that the wait only proves to make us better parents.
Jade, pass some of that guilt my way please. My comment on your post a few days ago about a new kind of life now seems completely insensitive and I kind of feel like a boob. I apologize if it was upsetting or hurtful in any way. You and Toby will make great parents and I look forward to reading your pregnancy announcement.
Oh no, please don't feel that way at all! I totally laughed over your comment and took delight in the fact that others are rooting for us to procreate! Whatever happens, it really does mean a lot to me that you are there with such happy thoughts for us in mind. I would never take offense over that. And believe me, if any lines start showing up on pee sticks, I'll be telling you all first thing!
Really, thank you so much for your concern.
Jade, sweet friend, that last line; it makes my heart jump because someone else knows that feeling … of wanting to be filled with life. Of every month wishing that something were growing instead of flowing. I get this in some ways, but I don't have an idea in others. Each month since my last miscarriage I've simultaneously cursed that flow and praised it at the same time because it meant I could finish healing first … or that I would be able to be there for my sister when she gives birth in just a few weeks and not have a babe of my own in arms or utero … or the list goes on. The more we've tried to plan out our family, the more we've had to relinquish control … and the more I've felt exactly like that very last sentence in some ways. I'm praying for your day and your time to come. So much love.
Such a mess isn't it? That cursing and praising that goes on at the same time? But maybe that just means, despite our desires, this just isn't the right time for us and it'll happen when we're more ready. Here's to praying that time comes for both of us, when we are ready for it to. Sending love.
I'm of the mindset that life has a funny {ironic} way of working out. Which is why I firmly believe that now that you've written this and it's all out there. A blessing will be forthcoming. I'm just sayin'.
I also order you to let go of the guilt. As human beings we all have things we want to accomplish, and it doesn't make us selfish. By doing the things you love, you be more fulfilled and able to be fabulous role models for that future bundle.
Hugs to you and I'll be sending fertile thoughts your way
Oh Brook, thanks so much for all the positive thoughts and encouragement! It really is such a comfort and validating. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing your heart so wide, Jade. I don't really know what to say except that I'm praying for you and thinking of you guys. Sending hugs your way. And a pat for Dot, of course.
Aww, thanks Beth! I really appreciate your kind thoughts and prayers.
This post breaks my heart. I know how you feel…the desire (bordering on need) to be pregnant, the desire to do everything before you get pregnant, the hormones, the guilt….oh Jade. I just want to give you a hug. I refuse to tell anyone in this situation that it will all turn out ok because I've seen and experienced that sometimes it doesn't. But I really hope it does for you. You will be a great mother.
Amy, thank you so much for your kind words and support. I'm very sorry that you have experience with this too – BUT you have beautiful, sweet Emily now and she is truly a treasure! I really appreciate you reaching out to me on this. Thanks for the love, sending love back.
Yes I do, and I can't wait to hear the announcement of your own little treasure.
Jade,
I'm thinking about you and hoping the time will come soon when you will announce to us that the waiting is over.
This is a fear I have developed over the past year, we're not trying yet but reading so many others struggling has left doubts niggling in my mind, what if we have missed our opportunity, although like you we have plenty of trips and adventures planned first, so are going to wait. The more I read the more I wonder whether that's the right decision. We can never really tell until we try.
I have no experience, so no real advice to offer but I'll be thinking about you. I hope your turn is soon.
Jade
Don´t feel guilty – nature do tricks on us sometimes and it has little to do with anything we have done.
A friend of mine had to struggle for many years until they got their first baby – so naturally she believed they had difficulties getting pregnant. They began trying for child number two a long time before they really planned to have one, just so they maybe would get a brother/sister at least after 3-4 years.
She got pregnant at once (big surprise) which made no sense of why they had to wait 5 years for the first pregnancy. It just happens like that sometimes. Nature doesn´t follow rules (unfortunately for us), it acts up.
A small comfort I know, but don´t feel guilty. Women should not blame themselves for things they can´t control.
Hugs!
Thanks so much for the reassurance! I guess that's the funny part, isn't it? Birth control really does give you the illusion of actually being "in control" – but we aren't. Thanks for the hugs and the comfort. It's much appreciated.
I had to borrow May's words because I completely agree with her and LOVE how she said it… "barren is a word that could never be used to describe your very fertile mind, heart and soul."
My first instinct was to say something like "just wait and it will happen" but there are never guarantees. I'm hoping it does happen because I know you want it so desperately. Either way, stop feeling guilty. You were being responsible. You are now much more financially and mentally prepared. When those babies do come, and I really think they will, they will be loved and nurtured and taken care of by one of the most honest, eloquent, caring people I sort of know.
Oh, and her cutie-pie husband. Can't forget T.
Aww, thanks Kathy! That's really so very sweet of you to say. You made me smile and chuckle with your comment and I really appreciate the reassurances. Thank you!
Just another voice added to the chorus… sometimes it takes time, sometimes it takes no time at all. Your baby will come, one way or another. My first one took four years, in which I tried doing everything and tried doing nothing, but he came in his own time, my second baby came so unexpectedly I thought I must have the stomach flu when the morning sickness started. I know the feeling of hating you period every month it shows up and of hating your body for not working when you want it to, and I'm sorry you're going through that now. All I can say is, live your life, travel, work, write… and everything will come together soon enough. And I hope and pray that you'll be flying home with a squirmy and kicking belly in the fall.
Aww thank you! It's really comforting to know others have been here too (not that I wish it on anyone…but at least my situation isn't peculiar, if that makes sense!). And thank you for the validation in wanting to continue doing what I love in the meantime; that my life doesn't have to just stop because I'm trying for a baby. (I'm starting to see the silliness of those guilt feelings!) It's really lovely knowing I have friends like you rooting for us.
Thank you.
Oh, Jade! HUGS! That is all, because everyone else already said it all better, but I repeat, HUGS!
Thanks my dear! I'm loving the hugs!
sigh…. i go back and forth a lot on the question of having children. we have none, and we've never "tried," and we're pretty sure that's how we want it. but…. sometimes i think "but…."
i guess i just try to remind myself that i believe that everything happens for a reason. either way.