1. Offer to split a meal with your friend—and sneakily take the bigger portion for yourself.
2. Schedule in exercise, buy cute exercise clothes and an expensive gym membership—and then don’t go (see Tuesday’s post).
3. Have a salad and water for dinner—and brownies and ice cream straight out of the container for dessert.
4. Buy loads of healthy veggies for yourself and Cheetos, frozen pizza, and hamburgers “for the husband and kids”–even though you’re single and childless.
5. Diligently measure out the appropriate serving size of the dinner ingredients—then effectively double it when you discover you’re still hungry afterwards.
6. Buy skinny jeans to motivate yourself—then throw them out 6 months later when you have to make room for your fat jeans.
7. Drink a margarita instead of dinner—and then during the 4th one down the line, tell yourself calories don’t matter if you’re drunk. Because by then, you’re incapable of counting them even if you wanted to.
8. Send hate at all the skinny bitches you see—and then congratulate yourself for at least being thinner than that one woman over there.
9. Congratulate yourself when you still fit in your jeans—and cut the seams to make more room when you don’t.
10. Only allow pictures of yourself from the neck up. This allows for easy photo manipulation to paste your head on supermodel’s bodies and saves you the trouble of burning everything else.

1. Bad weather. In places like Minnesota, this probably involves snow. In California, this means rain. Or rain’s younger sister, drizzle. It also includes: fog, hail, anything below 55ºF and winds above 15 mph.

2. Good weather. Because clearly the better reaction is to celebrate by trying that new ice cream parlour and plopping down on the beach with a smoothie and a good book.

3. No time. Between work, school, chores, eating, drinking, socializing, watching favorite shows on TV, reading books, scoping the net, sleeping, petting the kitty/puppy (and no that is no a euphemism–unless for you, it is), taking care of the kids, and um….washing one’s hair–who has the time to exercise?

4. Too tired. After doing all of the above, who has the energy?

5. Sick or injured. Obviously you can’t bring your germs into a gym, now can you? That would be rude, selfish and gross. And of course, how can I go for a walk when I’ve stubbed my toe?

6. I’ll do it later. This is not so much an excuse as procrastination–until you’ve procrastinated so long it is now midnight and you can’t do it until the next day. So you promise yourself you’ll exercise tomorrow–and repeat.

7. I’ve already done it. I walked from my car to my office and back again. Surely that’s enough for one day, right? In fact, I even took the stairs (because the elevator was broken) so that justifies having dessert!

8. I exercised yesterday so I can take today off. Wouldn’t want to overdo it now. I might hurt something.

9. I forgot! Truly I meant to, but I got wrapped up and before I knew it my exercise hour was over.

10. I’m too lazy. I’ve run out of excuses but still can’t get my ass off the couch.

Honorable Mentions:
I’m too fat and therefore must stuff my face in a vat of ice cream (for bad mirror days).

I’m thin enough and therefore don’t really need to exercise (for good mirror days).