and so it begins…

Last night, we returned to Santa Barbara after a working vacation, at home away from home. Though it was busy and productive and I had to deal with all kinds of different issues, both personal and business, it did feel like a small slice of dreamland away from reality.

But now we’re back. And this returning feels like a marker to me, because from here on out, it is about to become insane. Every weekend from here until October is planned out, and most of the weekends in October have tentative ones soon to be firmed up. In November, we move to Thailand. In the time in between, I’ll be trying to meet a Sept. 10 deadline for my dissertation, finalizing a manuscript before a conference at the end of September, getting a storage unit, packing to move out of Santa Barbara by Oct. 1, sorting between things to bring/leave behind/set aside in case needed, visiting a friend in Florida, getting my passport, and trying real hard not to lose my sanity. Once we move to Thailand…find a place to live, meet up with new colleagues…and then…who knows?

This is the start of something big. And I will document every.single.day. of it. I may not post every single day, cuz you know. Busy. But I will at the very least take a photo to show you my journey. (Figuring out days when we fly to Thailand might be complicated because you lose a day in flight…but whatever, I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.)

So here we go. Day One.

This is just one of the piles of stuff cluttering up our shoebox apartment right now (mostly books I had to move out of my office on campus). We came home to our stuffed-to-the-brim shoebox that, for some unknown reason seeing as how we cleaned before we left, now smells distinctly of mold and I can’t find the source. And that’s annoying because a) I do not want us to get sick from it, and b) well, you know, ew.

This is not a pretty picture. But it is truth. It is our life right now, and it perfectly describes where my head and my heart are. I hope over the course of this journey, the pictures will get lighter, brighter, cleaner and prettier so that at the end of 365 days I will have a very different picture to show you.

Are you excited? I am.

365

P.S. I won’t be posting daily photos on my blog, only the ones I want to share or say something about. However, my daily photos will be up on flickr. If you’re joining in the 365 Project or want to follow my postings on flickr, you can find my photostream here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jadekeller/

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Friday, August 27th, 2010

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Tell It To Me Tuesday – Origins

Author’s Note: Sorry TITMT is up so late today! I’ve just been swamped with personal and family business to take care of, so I guess it might transition a little into Tell It To Me Wednesday this week.

It strikes me that time really does move in cycles, that what you give out comes back to you, what you once took you eventually must return.

Last Saturday, I went out to drinks with my older brother and some good friends, and during the course of the evening, my friend asked my brother what it was like for him moving to the U.S. when he was just eleven years old. He talked about how hard life was in Mississippi at the time because he was a tiny little, dark-skinned Asian boy in a land full of racist white boys who picked on him and his sister every day. And almost every day he would get into fights and nearly get expelled for trying to stand up for himself or his sister. But, he said, when I came along, life changed. He and our sister could not wait to get home to see me and revel in this new person in their lives. They fed me, bathed me, clothed me, and played with me. Protected me.

Things got better when we moved to California too, and my brother proclaimed he would pay any price to stay here. And as I grew up, I felt that love every day, even though my siblings aren’t the type to say “I love you” directly.

And now we are older and my brother is in trouble, and this time it is he who came to me for help. This time, I was the one protecting him. I also went to visit my sister today, and then found myself giving her advice. This time, I was the one guiding her.

It makes me feel whole, now that I can finally give back what once was given to me. Isn’t it funny, how taking makes you feel like there is a piece of you that has gone missing, a place that is empty, but giving fills you up? In balance, of course. Only giving will drain you too, eventually.

My mother has long played the role of matriarch in our family. She is the one to whom everyone turns. She is the center, the teacher, the judge, the advocate, and the comfort. I sense that one day, I may be asked to be the one to fill her shoes. This is my training. Going to Thailand and living there for a time will also give me tools.

In Thai culture, there is very definite and clear class system. Not only in society, but also within the family. A hierarchy that is not challenged, but is always respected. So equality in some ways is a foreign concept. However, there is also a strong expectation that pu yai (the big person) will take care of pu noi (the little person). For example, if a group goes out to a business lunch, the person of the highest status will always foot the bill. No one else would dare offer to pay because that is not seen as politeness, but rather a challenge to the other person’s authority. Elders take care of the younger. And when the elders cannot take care of themselves, the younger eventually become the family elders and reciprocate. In some ways, elders begin to return to childhood as age sometimes strips them of their faculties.

And so the cycle goes.

This Week’s Challenge: Origins
Link it up in the comments below!

Next Week’s Challenge: Repentance

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Tuesday, August 24th, 2010

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Orient

In two months and two weeks, I will go to my roots. There is a spiritual compass inside me that, instead of pointing north, points east: to the Orient, which is, for me, in many ways the source of all things. It is the beginning and the end. It is home and it is foreign. Though I have never lived there before, I know doing so now will fine tune my orientation. It will add another latitudinal line to the map that says, “I am here. This is me.”

Sometimes you have to run away to find yourself. How can I tell you, without sounding crazy, that my husband and I want life in Asia to be a challenge? We know some of it will be incredible and amazing. How can it not, in a land where orchids grow like weeds? But we also know (and hope) some of it will push us to the brink. Because sometimes, it is only when we are stripped of everything that we find out who we really are.

We love our life here, but we know we have become too comfortable and too complacent. We need to be nudged out of our ruts, we need to be disoriented, in order to recommit to what is truly worthwhile in life. When we become too attached to things, we stop living. Life becomes less about breathing and experiencing, and more about just existing in between one item on the to-do list and the next.

There is a saying in Thai: “Dai yahng, sia yahng.” Which roughly translates to: “To achieve, you must sacrifice.” I have wishes for us. Wishes for a stronger spiritual connection to deeper truths kept locked so deep the bearer doesn’t even know they’re there. Wishes those truths be found, and forgiven, and the openness leads to art. I have wishes for a new perspective that brings a fresh vocabulary with which the world might be newly expressed. I can only imagine what sacrifices we might be asked to make.

In the meantime, the identity shift is coming on subtle and shy. It is coming in cravings for fruit and heat. It is coming in the shift of desires: from cakes and chocolate to coconut and lime. I put away the cheese and pull out the cardamom. I trade in the neutral colors and instead revel in the azure and gold.

This is part of Madeline Bea’s Sunday Creative project.

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Sunday, August 22nd, 2010

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5 {dallies} for a friday

5 {things} I’m grateful for today:

* Blinc tube mascara – this stuff is amazing and I might just buy some for all my girlies’ next birthdays
* Clinique All About Eyes
* a dishwasher in the house
* a pool & spa in the backyard
* s p a c e

5 {things} I’m looking forward to:

* Clareann & James visiting this weekend
* Dinner with Alex & Manouchka next week
* reading The Lizard Cage
* starting Season 5 of Lost
* playing with my nieces

5 {things} I felt today:

* productive after cleaning house and preparing the guest room
* annoyed after stepping on the scale
* pretty after putting on makeup and getting dressed
* excited to know friends are coming
* pleased after the hubby wolf whistled at me from down the hall

5 {things} to accomplish today

* house cleaning – check!
* more chapter revisions
* grocery shopping
* give in and go buy the Ayurvedic cookbook I’ve been eyeing
* cook dinner

5 {fun} facts about Thai culture

* To greet each other, Thai peole “wai” (bow their head gracefully with their hands in a prayer position, similar to the Indian namaste). Where the hands are placed in relation to their face is a signal of the degree of deference and respect given, with higher positions signaling higher respect.
* While public displays of affection between man and woman are rare and frowned upon, same sex friends are often affectionate and will often hold hands or link arms in public.
* The head is considered the highest and most sacred part of the body, while the feet are considered low and dirty. So it is considered very rude to touch a person on their head (like patting it with your hands), and it is also rude to point at anyone with your feet or used your feet to grab things. Thai people sit on the floor with their legs tucked under them to avoid pointing their feet at others.
* Thailand is called the Land of Smiles because Thai people love to smile and laugh. “Sanuk” (meaning fun) and “mai pen lai”(meaning “it doesn’t matter”) are common phrases you’ll hear Thai people use often. While it is true they have a fun-loving culture and an easy going lifestyle, underneath all that, the smiles and the “mai pen lai” are really ways to avoid conflict with others. Losing your temper, to Thai people, incurs a loss of face to both the person who has lost their temper and the others around him. When Thais say “mai pen lai”, it doesn’t always mean they don’t care; sometimes it is instead a gentle way to avoid the loss of face.
* Thai culture does not permit telling lies, even “white lies”. Thai people will refrain from speaking directly to avoid speaking an untruth. Similarly, they don’t subject each other to meaningless and convoluted talk (thereby wasting their time). Like many other Asian cultures, much of the deeper meaning lies in the negative space: in what isn’t said.

Happy Friday!

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Friday, August 13th, 2010

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Tell It To Me Tuesday – Becoming Real

Our move is becoming real to us. I feel the shift into limbo, as if we have moved into an alternate dimension where we are not quite connected to our current reality. We’re floating.

Whereas before, the move to Thailand was a thought lurking in the back of our minds, now it has become an ever present cloak surrounding our every thought and action. Our shopping patterns have shifted: buying things for Thailand, not buying things because we’ll get better ones for cheaper there.

We spend more time with friends, knowing what time we have with them is limited. I feel a tug in our hearts and their’s: a need to enjoy what we have now and a (squeeze-your-eyes-shut-and-close-your-ears kind of ignored) need to pull away, to protect from sadness.

We talk about how ready we are for a change: how we need more space, how we no longer feel at home in our shoebox apartment, how we need to be shaken from our rut. We need to get out of our element so we will no longer be so caught up in the trivial, the minutiae, that have begun to dominate our existence. We need to break free.

It occurs to me that we will have a summer in perpetuity. This summer will just begin to slip away as we board a plane to an even hotter one. I imagine arriving in Bangkok, and even from this distance, I can feel the wall of heat that greets you once you step off the plane. I can see the old orange décor of the terminal and feel the sweat begin to line its way down my spine. I feel the fear of, for the first time, getting into a different customs line than my husband. I feel the frustration mixed with excited anticipation as we lug our heavy suitcases – more things than either of us will have ever traveled with before – to a waiting taxi.

In my mind’s eye, I step into the heat. I am wearing my brown Prana shirt and turquoise skirt, and I am standing in the warm tropical rain, my hair curling around my face from the humidity. I feel the splatters of water and mud across my sandaled feet as I flag down a motorized rickshaw.

It’s like a memory that hasn’t happened yet.

I can’t pray for the days in between to melt away because there is still so much to do in what little time we do have. And yet, I can’t help but be impatient for the next stage to become this day.

I have slipped down one level in the dream state and I’m waiting for the kick.

This week’s challenge: Trim the fat. Write anything you like. Then go back and eliminate all the adverbs (if you’re extra daring, you can try adjectives too…using color is okay though). Erase anything that ends in -ly. Then rewrite those parts/phrases to mean what you meant, without using the adverb. Link it up in the comments section below! Please do stop by to see what others have written too and send them some love!

Next week’s challenge: On Being Peace. [capitalization intentional]

Have fun! I can’t wait to see what you all come up with!

P.S. I know not all my readers have blogs, and/or some topics you may not want to share what you’ve written. If you just leave me a comment saying you’ve participated or even just thought about what you would write, I’d be gratified to know!

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Tuesday, August 3rd, 2010

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today

Today I made a list of all the things I’ll need to pack for our move to Thailand, because I’m uber anal and like to plan ahead. And because I’m excited and have Thailand on the brain.

I separated my list into things we’ll bring with us on the plane, things that can be shipped, “maybe” items, things to pack in storage, and things to pack at my parents’ home in case we need them. I’ll need to come up with an organizational scheme and probably an itemized list so anything we leave behind can be found quickly and efficiently if needed. (Told you I was anal.)

I stared at my list.

Then I made a new list: Things I Can Remember to Do If I Feel Homesick
- Get a hairwash, mani/pedi, or massage (because pampering in Thailand will cost about 75 cents)
- Talk to loved ones on Skype or Facebook
- Go for a swim in the pool (the houses we’re looking at usually have community pools)
- Go for a photo walk
- Watch Pride & Prejudice

Most of those items won’t make up for home, but I think they’ll help reduce anxiety and get my mind off it in healthy ways.

Somewhat paradoxically, however, I am actually comforted to get a sense of how little we’re actually going to bring with us. It helps that most things we’ll need we can get more cheaply in Thailand than if we ship it. But it’s also nice to know, with most things, we travel light.

* Photo courtesy of http://www.thailand.quickonthenet.com/

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Monday, July 19th, 2010

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The SOLD Project: Update

Once again a BIG THANK YOU to everyone who donated to the SOLD Project. The top and ground floors of the resource center are nearly built and we’re uber excited. Here’s an update of what SOLD is doing in Thailand right now. It’s truly humbling and inspiring to hear. I can’t wait to be there too!

Many many thanks for all your support! We couldn’t do it without you!

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Friday, July 16th, 2010

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tell it to me tuesday – 10 minute free write

I had a wonderful birthday and I’me thinking of luggage and flowers and vintage and fabrics. I’me feeling inspired and relieved, contrary and perniculous. I don’t know why I’me saying such things but the words pop in my head and what am I to do? There’s so much work to do tomorrow fbut for the moment, I’me relaxing. We watched Stand By Me and Toby said he didn’t like the name of the movie it was too romantic. But I think it draws more attention to the relationship between the boys than Stephen King’s title “The Body”. But we ate so much this weekend and the food was so good. And it really was good to have my parents in town. I really am lucky to be close to them. I know many people aren’t close to their parents the way I am. They have given me lots of things to think about in Thailand. But mostly they’re easing me from having too many thoughts. I guess that’s why I said I’me feeling contrary. So many mixed thoughts and feelings. So much running around, throwing around. Colliding around in my skull. I need to take a breathe. I need to breathe. It’s too hard to breathe with too mch shite on top of your head. But I’me getting out. I will get out. Just a little while longer. Toby said it’s been too long since I’ve really just sat back and enjoyed where I am in life. And it made me want to cry. Because it’s true. I need to get to that place. I need to take a step back and just get to a place where I can just enjoy. Enjoy enjoy enjoy enjoy enjoy. Like chocolate cake and raspberries. Like birthdays and vintage. Like stickers and snowmen. Pastries. Swimming pools and margaritas. What time is it? 3:47 left. I’me staring at the screen and The Yellow Suitcase is in the back of my mind. I want to do more research. I want to flesh out the ideas for my next book. Japan. Picture brides. Home. But I must wait. Just a little more. Then I can focus. I just have to get to a space where I can let myself focus. Like my dad says. When am I going to get these monkeys off my back? Time to get rid of the self-imposed monkeys. Fuck the monkeys. Pardon my French. So let’s sew. I’ve got some great fabrics. I just got to get rid of my fear of making a mistake. Nothing lost if I mess up. Just learn. Learn to have patience. One step at a time. One step at a time. I’ve never been good at that…I need to practice one step at a time. Then I won’t be so scattered. I’me so scattered. So scattered.

You’ve got 10 minutes. Don’t think. Just write. No holds barred.

Then just post the link in the comments below!

Next week’s challenge: “If I were a bag of some sort, I would be a…”
Fancy purse? A backpack? Reusable? What would you carry?

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Tuesday, June 15th, 2010

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1030.

We’re so close!! My 30th birthday is in just 4 days and we’re getting so very close to hitting that $1030 goal! Thank you so much to everyone who has donated already. It warms my heart so much to know how many people are willing to help bring an end to human trafficking, to stop little kids from being abducted into a life of prostitution. I am truly blessed to have so many loving family and friends, both in real life and here on this blog.

But we’re not there yet! At $865, we still need $165! If we can just get 6 more donations of $30 we’ll totally hit that goal!

And don’t forget! Any donation of $30 or more will be entered in a raffle for a $50 gift certificate (to Smashbox Cosmetics, Borders Bookstores, or another establishment of the recipient’s choice). As it stands right now, everyone who has donated $30+ has about a 1 in 15 chance of being selected. Just sayin’. Odds are good you’ll get a return on that investment!

So what are you waiting for? Click on this BIG FAT SHINY LINK RIGHT HERE and donate today!

I’ll be your best friend!

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Friday, June 11th, 2010

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update on pah-mook

My mother’s oldest sister, who has been diagnosed with breast cancer, had been scheduled to have a surgery on May 21. But they live in Bangkok, and things are kind of nuts over there right now, so they’ve rescheduled the surgery for June 3. We are praying the violence in Thailand ends soon and that the upcoming surgery goes smoothly.

Pah-mook, you are in our thoughts and hearts. Chok dee, na ka.

Related Posts with Thumbnails

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Wednesday, May 26th, 2010

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