He pulled open the refrigerator door. “Little girls gin yang?” he said. Did the little girls eat yet? “No? Okay, I make you something.” And he pulled out some food to make for my two nieces, Kaelyn (age 6) and Jacqueline (age 5).

Kaelyn is my brother’s daughter, Jacqueline, my sister’s. They are cousins but are raised more like sisters. It was such a simple little moment, but it stood out to me as a moment to remember and carry with me, for it spoke volumes for how my family operates. It was so seamless, so unselfconscious, how my sister took care of keeping track of the girls’ things and how my brother made food for them. The shared love and the shared responsibility. It’s not: this is my kid and that’s your kid and I’ll take care of my kid’s food and you take of your kid’s shoes. It is: these are our kids. Not just on special occasions like the 4th of July, but every day.

I suddenly realized there’s a very subtle but powerful hierarchy for raising children in the family (my German in-law calls it a “clan”, in a way that I think might be equal parts sarcastic, impressed, and curious). All the adults have a role to play with raising the children, and all adults are respected equally. Everyone remains aware of where the kids are and what they need (whether it’s food, kisses, or a gentle warning) and addresses them as simply as breathing. For special treats, like spending the night at a cousin’s house, the parent always must be asked for permission and is the final authority. My mom, the grandmother, is the one all the grandkids go to for a both sympathetic and wise ear. She is the person to talk to when you don’t understand or don’t know what to do. When you need friend and counsel. Or just a really good bowl of noodle soup. Grandpa is the one you really don’t want to mess with. But it’s okay because if you tickle him just right, he turns teddy bear. As a kid, if you do good, there’s a whole caboodle of people to puff up your ego. If you mess up, someone will tell you straight up that what you did wasn’t cool. But there is always someone else you can run to who will understand and tell you it’s okay, we still love you. (If everyone tells you you messed up, then you really know!) There is always both discipline and forgiveness to be found. And there is always someone to offer food and love and something fun to do.

Even when part of the family is broken…a divorce…and the part that left tries to spread bad thoughts and feelings about our family to the child stuck in-between (and can I just tell you how much that makes my blood boil?)…the family rallies together. It does everything it can to heal the wound, to teach love for both mommy and daddy, no matter what. It does not try to spread the foul back. Every one of us just tries to show by doing what our family really is about. The child may be confused and hurt now (and we are all forever sorry for that). But one day the child will be a teenager. And one day she will see for herself what is truth and she can decide what is right for her. The love is tight, but each individual is free: free to be themselves, free to discover for themselves.

And every time I go home, I am overwhelmed by the desire to be more of a part of the lives of my nieces and nephews. To them, I am always gone away, to some mythical place called Santa Barbara. I come in and out of their lives to play for a day and then I am gone again. I want to be more constant than that.

But there lies the rub. Where my family lives. The actual city, the county? I can’t stand. I don’t like the atmosphere, I don’t like the society, the way people behave there. It’s fake most of the time and mean underneath, mostly because people there are just plain more afraid. My mom says she fled from Bangkok because it suffocated her. Where my family lives suffocates me. On top of that my husband hates the area too and refuses to ever live there. We can visit as much as we want, for we do love the family. But living there? His answer is “hell no”. Up until now, I’ve agreed. Wholeheartedly. Bring kids into the picture? Now I’m not so sure.

My mom keeps saying when I’m ready to have kids we really need to move to the same home town, to raise the kids with family. At first I thought she meant help with babysitting and taking care of the kids that way, which I’m sure after a.m. feedings, and crying, and diaper changing, and never-clean house and oh-my-god-can-I-just-get-a-break, there will be moments I’d really love/need that. But now I see there’s more. There is so much more. Of course it is totally possible to raise absolutely wonderful children without all that and millions of families do it all the time. But I do see its worth. And growing up away from that, our kids won’t have the same closeness to their cousins that their cousins share. They’ll miss the everyday camaraderie. They’ll always be just a little bit outside. Loved, for sure, but a little bit outside. I know because I am.

Thankfully I don’t have to make this decision yet. This decision is at least a year or two away. But it’s on the horizon and on my radar. I feel it weighing on me. And my hubby and I will have some figuring out to do.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. How does your family operate? What decisions have you had to, or will you have to make?

Both of these articles stuck with me, and I think, though both were addressed to gendered audiences, their lessons and values apply universally. So I wrote a whole long deal on the importance of hobbies and re-engaging in time honored skills like cooking, sewing, gardening, woodworking, mechanics, photography, writing (including blogging)…whatever. And then I scrapped it. I was trying to capture all of the suns’ rays as through a glass, and found the words did not burn on the paper (paraphrasing Ginsberg here).

But creative outlets are so important – even if you think you’re a person who isn’t very creative. The act of creating something uniquely your own is powerful and not to be underestimated. It’s practical, for developing these skills can save money and reduce waste. It’s good for your sense of pride: to look at something you’ve made and know it’s been made well. And it’s good for your self-esteem: for if you develop skills in different areas, and one area goes to sh*t, you have something else to keep you going. It’s liberating and it’s like meditation. Often I find when I bump into a problem in one area of my life, if I shut off and do something else entirely, focus and concentrate on cooking or baking or whatever, when I come back to that problem, an answer is there waiting for me. I even count sports and various forms of exercise in this because they can be meditative too. Maybe they don’t produce anything tangible (other than perhaps sweat, blood or tears…), but they do create good energy that can help focus or calm you in other areas. And because these creative outlets are so important, I really think it is essential that not only we each as individuals carve out time for them, but that we support our loved ones (spouses especially) and give them the space they need to pursue them too, even if those hobbies incur costs.

I recently started teaching myself to sew. I’ve done a couple projects here and there, but I’ve never really made a concerted effort to learn before. My husband taught me how to use the machine since he had a Home Ec class in high school and I never did (how’s that for feminism for you?). I got a couple of beginner’s books and spent $7 at a thrift store on some old napkins and pillowcases that I repurposed to make a vintage style apron.

Before:

After:

If you look closely, those ruffles are all total crap. And don’t look at the back of it either.

Though, I kind of like these details:

Worth it to no longer be tempted to buy the $35 ones at Anthropologie.

Then, using scraps I had from earlier projects, I made a cover for my kindle.

I just have to be a little delicate with it, or the bottom pops out

Then, for my birthday, my hubby got me some gorgeous fabrics and yesterday I made a wraparound skirt. The apron isn’t great. The kindle cover needed a little retooling, but mostly it works. But the skirt? I LOVE. Because it’s totally mine, and though it’s not perfect either, I finally started getting the hang of things. (It helped to have proper tools: oh rotary cutter, how I love thee.)

Sewing isn’t easy for me, mostly because it requires patience, and patience has never been one of my virtues. But it’s precisely for that reason I’m trying really hard to commit to it. With sewing, you really have to take things one step at a time. You can’t take shortcuts or the final product will suffer for it. And doing things right the first time saves you a lot of grief in the end.

But with this last project, every time I started getting frustrated and felt tempted to rush or cut corners, I just told myself, “Make with love, not haste. Make with love, not haste.” It helped.

That scattered feeling I’ve been having lately? Slowly, I’m starting to burnish the edges of it off. I’m thinking maybe it is worthwhile to take a moment to get centered again so I can refocus and do a better job of things.

I had a wonderful birthday and I’me thinking of luggage and flowers and vintage and fabrics. I’me feeling inspired and relieved, contrary and perniculous. I don’t know why I’me saying such things but the words pop in my head and what am I to do? There’s so much work to do tomorrow fbut for the moment, I’me relaxing. We watched Stand By Me and Toby said he didn’t like the name of the movie it was too romantic. But I think it draws more attention to the relationship between the boys than Stephen King’s title “The Body”. But we ate so much this weekend and the food was so good. And it really was good to have my parents in town. I really am lucky to be close to them. I know many people aren’t close to their parents the way I am. They have given me lots of things to think about in Thailand. But mostly they’re easing me from having too many thoughts. I guess that’s why I said I’me feeling contrary. So many mixed thoughts and feelings. So much running around, throwing around. Colliding around in my skull. I need to take a breathe. I need to breathe. It’s too hard to breathe with too mch shite on top of your head. But I’me getting out. I will get out. Just a little while longer. Toby said it’s been too long since I’ve really just sat back and enjoyed where I am in life. And it made me want to cry. Because it’s true. I need to get to that place. I need to take a step back and just get to a place where I can just enjoy. Enjoy enjoy enjoy enjoy enjoy. Like chocolate cake and raspberries. Like birthdays and vintage. Like stickers and snowmen. Pastries. Swimming pools and margaritas. What time is it? 3:47 left. I’me staring at the screen and The Yellow Suitcase is in the back of my mind. I want to do more research. I want to flesh out the ideas for my next book. Japan. Picture brides. Home. But I must wait. Just a little more. Then I can focus. I just have to get to a space where I can let myself focus. Like my dad says. When am I going to get these monkeys off my back? Time to get rid of the self-imposed monkeys. Fuck the monkeys. Pardon my French. So let’s sew. I’ve got some great fabrics. I just got to get rid of my fear of making a mistake. Nothing lost if I mess up. Just learn. Learn to have patience. One step at a time. One step at a time. I’ve never been good at that…I need to practice one step at a time. Then I won’t be so scattered. I’me so scattered. So scattered.

You’ve got 10 minutes. Don’t think. Just write. No holds barred.

Then just post the link in the comments below!

Next week’s challenge: “If I were a bag of some sort, I would be a…”
Fancy purse? A backpack? Reusable? What would you carry?

So live it like you mean it.

Love like you mean it.

The only true failure is regret.

p.s. i was trying out different photo styles this week and got up at 5 am (!) to go traipsing in a field in my evening gown for these. if you want to see more from the shoot, just click here or click on the header and scroll through this week’s posts. kthxbai.

…the health of loved ones.

…my ability to get where I want to go.

…whether I’m in tune with myself or whether I’m scattering.

…being on time.

…little things.

…whether I’ll be any good.

…what happens when things break between loved ones.

…people in my heart, even if I never let on.

…some things, but thankfully, not too much.

What do you worry about?
Join in with a comment or a link to your blog post in the comments section below. Share your worries with us – as detailed or as abstract as you care to go. Then…take a deep breath, close your eyes, listen to the silence, and let it go.

Even if it’s only for a moment. Sometimes a burden is easier to carry if you set it down from time to time. Sometimes, if you set it down, you find you don’t need to pick it back up again.

“Worry is like a rocking chair. It keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.” ~ Author Unknown

Next week’s challenge: Take us on a tour
Take us on a tour (photos would be great!) of a place you’re connected to: your kitchen, your home, your neighborhood, your work, your favorite shops, your place of peace. Can be anything!

“None of us comes into the world fully formed. We would not know how to think, or walk, or speak, or behave as human beings unless we learned it from other human beings. We need other human beings in order to be human. I am because other people are.”
– Desmond Tutu

“Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us.”
–Pema Chodron

“I needed to experience despair…in order to experience grace.”
–Siddhartha, Hermann Hesse

“Sometimes we love with nothing more than hope. Sometimes we cry with everything except tears. In the end that’s all there is: love and its duty, sorrow and its truth. In the end that’s all we have – to hold on tight until the dawn.”
– Shantaram, David Gregory Roberts

“Some feelings sink so deep into the heart that only loneliness can help you find them again. Some truths are so painful that only shame can help you live with them. Some things are so sad that only your soul can do the crying for them.”
–Shantaram, David Gregory Roberts

“Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
– Abraham Lincoln

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
–Anonymous

“A mother is not a person to lean on but a person to make leaning unnecessary.”
–Dorothy Canfield Fisher

Are there any quotes that have been important to you?

I’m annoyed with Mr. Linky, so just post the address/link to your blog post in the comments section below. I’m pretty sure it should automatically create a link.

Next week’s challenge: Complete this phrase: “I’m worried that…”

That sounds nice to me.

So what do I want to celebrate this momentous occasion? Turns out…I don’t want things. I have enough things. Instead of gifts, I’m asking everyone I know (and lots of people I don’t know) to ante up $30. But that money’s not going to me. It’s going to help little girls and boys. It’s going to a resource center where they can get mentorship and tutoring, to help them stay in school, to help free them from a life where a pimp dictates who they are and sells them to strangers for $14 a night. You hear these stories that just break your heart: of a girl who went to the big city in search of a restaurant job and ended up abducted into prostitution. She says: “I hate this. Every day I hate this. But I do it for my family. They are the only people I would ever do this for.” Education and awareness in the home and community can help prevent these things from occurring. And that’s what we’ll be doing: we’ll be working on the ground with the local communities, helping raise awareness of the issue, finding ways to provide scholarships to at-risk children so they can afford an education, and mentoring and tutoring them to help them succeed. It’s not just giving them a fish, it’s teaching them how to do it for themselves. It frees them from a life where the only way they can help their families is to sell themselves. It frees them to dream for something better – and hopefully makes those dreams possible.

So can you find $30 to give a little help? Can you help me reach my goal of $1030? All you have to do is: 1) click right here on my fundraising page and just click the big orange Donate button. PLEASE USE YOUR FULL NAME because that’s all I can see – all info other than name and donation amount is private and confidential. And 2) Please leave a comment here too so I have your email address. Sorry for the extra step, but I need a way to contact you so I can thank you personally.

I know money is tight for everyone, and really, every dollar matters and every dollar helps.

But wait! That’s not all! Everyone who donates $30 or more will automatically be entered into a raffle for a $50 Gift Certificate to Smashbox Cosmetics! (So if you’ll definitely want to leave a comment so I can notify you if you win!)

See how I did that? I took your $30 and raised you another $20! And no, I’m not being paid to endorse Smashbox. I just think they’re awesome. I’ve been on their site like 148 times in the last week, scoping out their products. They have really great stuff. I especially love their Fusion Soft Lights blush, Artificial Light Luminizing Lotion, and the Photo-Op Under Eye Brightener (because I’m plagued with perpetual dark circles under my eyes). Plus they have special deals on Tuesdays and Thursdays where they throw in a free gift. But even on regular days, they offer free shipping and at least 2 other free gifts! Who can argue with that? And their website has other cool functions to show you how to achieve various gorgeous looks and an expert guide to recommend perfect matches for your skin tone and coloring. I {heart} Smashbox.

But, just in case makeup isn’t your thing…say, if you’re male and not into cross-dressing, or whatever, I can turn that $50 Gift Certificate to Smashbox into one for Borders Bookstores upon request. Because, you know, I’m an advocate for books too. Reeding iz gud.

Consider it my way of saying thank you: a gift back to you all. Because I love you all too.

So all you have to do right now is: Click on this link, donate $30, and leave a comment here on this blog!

A few days ago, I came across this post from Memories on Clover Lane, and it totally inspired me to do something similar. It took me quite a bit of time to think through, but this practice helped me reaffirm who I am and who I want to be. It was like sweeping the cobwebs from the attic upstairs and opening a window to let in the light.

So here are my rules. I’m sure others might find fault with some of them (maybe most notably #9, under Rules for Lovin’), but I’m okay with that. Some of these rules come more easily to me (through practice and lessons well learned ::sigh::). Others, I still need to work on. But I’m getting there. Or trying to. I’m sure I’ll acquire new rules as I continue along this beautiful thing called life.

Rules For Livin’

1. Don’t put off cleaning: Cleaning up as you go is much easier and more pleasant than cleaning up later.

2. Keeping a food diary keeps you much more accountable for what you eat.

3. It is better to spend some after you’ve saved some.

4. It is better to live simply and live well than to live extravagantly or stingily. I would rather live in a small space and travel, than be counting my pennies (whether it is to pay the man now or putting off adventure until I’m too old and weary to enjoy it).

5. Carve out time to read a good book, even if it’s only 10 minutes before bed.

6. Taking a half hour for a walk is not only good for the body, it’s good for the mind.

7. Salt is not a guilt-free condiment.

8. Problems are not always problems.

9. When looking in the mirror, I should try to remember that there are more interesting things about me than the size of my thighs.

10. When nervous, just remember to “organize your butterflies.”

11. You’re never too old to have a role model; surround yourself with people who inspire you to become a better person simply through their presence.

12. Approach all endeavors with this mantra in mind: “Make with love, not haste.”

Rules for Lovin’

1. It is better to be happy than it is to be right.

2. Sometimes silence is the better response. Warning sign that this moment might be one of those times: {angry.}

3. Sometimes you have to speak up. Warning sign that this moment might be one of those times: {hurt.} {afraid.}

4. Praise your spouse in public but keep your disputes private. (By this I don’t mean that you shouldn’t talk to a good friend about your troubles, just that you should never argue with your spouse in front of others.)

5. Never let a good friend go: they are few and far between.

6. Eat dinner together as a family every night.

7. Self-martyrdom is not as selfless as we like to pretend.

8. After giving advice, endeavor to remain perfectly indifferent to whether the person takes it, and waste no energy in trying to ‘set people right’.

9. Never criticize or undermine the authority of your spouse, teachers, or other adult mentors in front of your children (except in cases of abuse, obviously). If they have a problem with that person, teach your children how to practice disagreement with respect. If you have a problem with that person, deal with it privately. Do not use your children to fill your own emotional needs.

10. Don’t hesitate to give a compliment, if it is genuinely meant. “Learn the art of encouragement. We can’t all be heroes all the time. Someone has to sit on the curb and clap.”

But I took every pill faithfully! my mind screams. I followed every direction. I took extra care. I did far more than most – and yet I am the one to carry. I was that .001% chance. I was the one for whom the precautions failed.

Days pass but I cannot bring myself to do what I know I must do. I am ill in the mornings, but I can never seem to purge myself of everything I wish I could. There is still something so deep it cannot come out.

I do not return any phone calls. I don’t answer when my boyfriend comes to the door. I ignore the concerned voices of my roommates. I slip into a cocoon to hide. To talk to anyone would be to make this real. Telling them of this would make it a reality I must face. Talking to them without telling them of this would make it a lie I must carry. But here in my cocoon, I can still pretend it has not happened.

But even that pretense cannot last.

The inexorable march of time means the day comes all too soon. There comes a moment when it is no longer possible to hide. I walk, with heavy feet, up the steps to my parents’ front door. My heart weighs more than my entire being.

They greet me with warm embraces. But then they pull away, concerned, when they see the truth in my eyes.

“There is something I have to tell you.” The words tumble from my mouth, but the buzzing in my ears is too loud. Tears stream from my eyes, blinding me, but still I see the looks on the face of my mother and father. These two strong, incredible people who have sacrificed everything to give me a better life, who have scrimped and saved to give me an education and opportunities, and who had grand hopes for the woman they would see me become.

All of that is squandered.

In the silence that follows, I know they are building up the courage to say it will all be fine; that we will find a way through this, that they will stand by me and still love me. It would take time and tears, but they would never forsake me.

But that is not the heart of the pain I carry. My pain remains, for the moment that I feared most has come to pass: the look on my parents’ face. The look that tells of their disappointment; that I have hurt them in the worst way possible – and yet they still love me. In that moment lies the worst of all: my shame.

————————————

This tale is a work of fiction. It tells of what would happen if my worst fears were realized. Getting pregnant is not a fear I have anymore, of course, now that I am married and am ready to start a family. But what it says about me is still true today. It used to be that my worst fear was getting pregnant. But when I follow the consequences through, I discover that underneath that fear was something deeper: a fear of shame and of disappointing my parents.

But that also tells me something else: what matters to me most is to never be the cause of hurt to those I love. Sometimes knowing your deepest fears helps you find the core of your heart and that is where you also find hope. Hope and fear, after all, are but two sides of the same coin.

What would happen if your worst fear would come to pass? How does that story play out in your mind’s eye? When you play that story out, do you discover something new about yourself?

Next week’s challenge: Write 10 reasons why you love the person you love
For Bonus Points: tell a story about a moment that made you remember your love for this person (+2 if you’ve been mad at them lately)

I personally don’t find this lack problematic at all. I think it’s good for people to have role models. But it doesn’t follow that those role models must be all-in-one: my same demographic, same values, and same generation. That would leave little to aspire to, in my opinion. I looked to different people for different things. Some were women; some were men. Most were older – for how many 13-year-olds are truly accomplished? And they came from a myriad of backgrounds. What they had were various things I admired: Jackie O. for her grace and femininity, the Dalai Lama and Rev. Desmond Tutu for their compassion and humility, my mother and father for their strength…there’s no shortage of capable and amazing people in this world. These people did not even need to be indisputable paragons of virtue either. It was my vision of who they were and what they stood for that was important.

As for the lack of consensus on values, I again don’t find this problematic. Diversity is a good thing: it keeps us aware of our limitations and provides balance. When it comes to the difficulty of finding a handful of people to inspire a generation en masse, I think it is the result of a more rich and diverse society and a larger, more diverse media. Generations past, people had the choice of maybe 3 TV stations. Now they have hundreds. Back then it was probably easier to have a small handful of voices captivate the nation. But with so much competition nowadays, it’s more difficult for one person to reach the whole nation. The options now are so diverse you can easily individualize what you are exposed to and almost literally create your own experience. It’s more likely that you’ll get what you want and minimize exposure to what you don’t want, but it does lead to fragmentation, polarization, and disassociation. Add to that an increasingly diverse society, people just aren’t going to be moved en masse by the same ideals anymore. Instead, they find their niches.

However, having such fragmentation does raise a question that the article did touch upon, and that is: what does this mean for the collective? What are the consequences for collective goals and unity? I’m not sure anyone really knows the answer to that at this point. I do think there are signs, though, that our society is going through a massive and fundamental change. Post-financial crisis, people are taking a step back and rethinking their goals, and what they want their legacy to be. And I think there’s a lot going on where people are eschewing old boundaries and “ways things have to be done” and trying more innovative strategies (for example, finding ways to have the flexibility to work from home instead of at the office). With the help of the internet, I think communal ties are being redrawn: shaped less by locale and more by interest. In a way, things are becoming a little more small-d democratic. I personally find it inspiring to watch and I think the end result could be really empowering for a lot of people.

But when I posted that opinion elsewhere, the response was that defining community by superficial and transitory interests cheapens community, that we risk losing our depth as a community if we relegate it all to electronic media instead of spending time just being human, and that rather than people becoming more authentic, there is more of a herd mentality going on.

I don’t take such a bleak view. I think finding others who are also motivated by social justice, or organic gardening, or photography, or whatever can be profoundly inspiring – even if they’re thousands of miles away from you. I think it deepens our ability to connect with and empathize with people who are far away from us. I think the disaster in Haiti and the millions of dollars raised showed just how powerfully people can empathize with one another and how that empathy can be facilitated through electronic media. Sure we weren’t all on the ground there, helping people out of the rubble. But does that make the empathy – and dollars raised – any less meaningful? And just because we make ties through electronic media, that doesn’t mean our ties to family must be any less important. Connecting with people all across the globe does not diminish the quality of time I spend with my family and friends here at home.

Being social animals, I think there are a lot of impulses in human nature that produce conformity or cause people to follow others. I don’t think there’s any more evidence of a herd mentality than there ever was in history. To think so, I think is to forget a lot of human history. But when I look around me, I do see a lot of innovative thinking and a lot of people finding new ways to approach problems and finding different ways to live their lives. Probably, through social media, I see more of it because it’s easier to see what common individuals are doing that maybe isn’t so common.

Sure there’s a lot going on that’s frustrating as all hell. Sure there are many things I wish could be better. But when I look around me, I can see a lot of reason to be hopeful for the future. I think society is going through a very profound change. Not all of it will be good. But I find some of it, at least, very inspiring and empowering.